What if?

“We are all visitors to this time and place.  We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love….and then we return home”   – Native Proverb

nathanNathan BCP4P1020729

My son Nathan would have been 22 years old on August 18th.   It’s hard to get my head around that number, when I only have memories of a beautiful boisterous 9-year-old, whose life ambitions included, a Demolition Man or becoming another Jim Carey!

Nathan would have been a good Jim Carey as he had a great sense of humour and loved making his family and his friends laugh.

As I reflect on his upcoming birthday, knowing so much more than I did then, I can honestly say, I’m grateful.  Of course, not that this precious boy was taken from me far too early, but because of who I have become since his death.

I decided a long time ago to let go of the “What ifs” and the “Guilt” as I knew they were consuming and constricting my energy, never allowing me to be fully present while I lived in the past.  This was a long and painful process and yet, when I finally gave myself permission to let go, I became lighter and more spacious towards myself and towards those I love.

I have a wonderful husband and I have two beautiful girls (pictured above) that enrich my life everyday and remind me to live fully.  I know that everyday is a gift and I know that Nathan’s death is my journey to walk through and to continue to learn from.

I sometimes wish we didn’t have to learn our life lessons from pain, from death and from sickness, but for some reason it wakes us up, it changes our path and it allows us to see the truth in our life, and that is a gift.

“How long will I love you…. as long as stars are above you, and longer if I can.” – Ellie Goulding

Nathan Baby

Nathan  18/8/92

 

 

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “What if?

  1. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with all who choose to read your blog. I am truly inspired by your strength and choice of words every time I receive your email – you continue to be in my thoughts especially for the 18th. Much love and hugs

    1. Thankyou Cath, so nice to hear from you and I have loved receiving emails about your amazing journey. I cannot wait to hear more when you return, as I am sure you will have some incredible experiences and insights into life after meeting great people and learning about who you are along the way. Take care until you both return home.

      Karen

    1. Thankyou Elizabeth he was beautiful, inside and out and taught me so much in his life and in his passing.

      Karen

  2. I sometimes wish we didn’t have to learn our life lessons from pain, from death and from sickness, but for some reason it wakes us up, it changes our path and it allows us to see the truth in our life, and that is a gift.
    Incredibly touching and wise Karen.
    Thank you for sharing Nathan’s spirit and your memories with us.
    Sending you a virtual hug,
    Val xo

  3. As soon as I saw Nathan’s photo, my heart expanded with such compassion. Your journey has helped me to let go of worry just a little to make room for what is. Thank you.

    1. Thankyou so much eM. Your posts always inspire me! Death does help us understand “presence” so much more and so for that I am grateful too.
      Karen

  4. Very moving post, written so sincerely. “I sometimes wish we didn’t have to learn our life lessons from pain, from death and from sickness, but for some reason it wakes us up, it changes our path and it allows us to see the truth in our life, and that is a gift.”
    I sometimes think the same, but you are vey right: it wakes us up, as you say, because most of the time, we are asleep, unaware… I always remember what Rumi said and that you shared, the wound and the light – necessary wound, door that has to be opened… I’m happy to know you have a wonderful family, I’m sure your blog will help many parents and greieved people… it’s so important! because you were able to turn something horrible into light, it’s like a miracle, and when I see your son’s wonderful smile, I know he helped you, beyond death and mourning. That’s the miracle, the mystery of love.
    Thank you;

  5. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart on your son’s birthday. Your words reflect like it was just yesterday, yet I realize it was longer. My son just departed us in February and his first birthday without him is coming up. Your beautiful post has given me strength to face that day. Blessings to you.

    1. Thank you Julia for reading my story. You are right it can feel like yesterday if we stay in that place and its easy to do, if we choose to.

      It has been 13yrs this year and I want to give you hope that you can walk this journey and survive.

      I think having a spiritual practice has really guided me to be still in my pain and face the emotions that grief brings.

      Letting go of them and any guilt will be the test for you and yet in doing so, overtime and with patience, you will find peace and a beautiful understanding of what life really means and how it should be lived.

      You sound like an amazing person already and as you walk through these early stages, seek nurturing and support when you need it. I wish you peace and strength.

      Karen

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